THe worlds best Quidditch match
by ice queen Selene
Summary: Ok this is very very twisted allright me n my friend wanted to write a weird funny HP story so it's rated R for a reason...Dont read unless u have a twisted sense of humor


**Quidditch pitch:**

Harry Potter catches the snitch

Draco:Potter,kindly let go of my snitch.  
Harry:oups .wrong one.sorry.  
Draco:that's alright, I like it kinky!imitates whip noise  
Harry:backs away slowly

Hermione:Ron!stop fondling my quaffles!  
Ron:but they're so beau-tifullllll!Where did you hide these this past year?  
Hermione:Behind my back!Remember when i had a hunchback?And by the way...my hair's not the only thing that's bushy!winks  
Ron:...um...  
Rita Skeeter:Young love!

Cho arrives and runs quietly into broom shed

Cho:OMG!yes!ahhh!thats it!tap that,catch that snitch!  
Fred+George Weasley:Well,I think we're off to beat a couple hard bludgers!  
Harry:What the hell are you doing with my firebolt?  
Cho:GrowlsI like it fast!I love riding your broomstick.  
Luna:OMG!Crumple-horned snorkhack!  
Neville:No, that's just Cho riding Harry's broomstick!  
Draco:Can I have a turn?

Cedric:Ya, me too!Stop hogging,I want some action!  
Hermione:Wait...you're dead!

Moaning Myrtle floats in seductively

Myrtle:I always thought you were the handsome one,Ced-e-ric!  
Cedric:...um...

Hermione:Get your own broomstick,Myrtle!  
Ron:You can't say anything, Hermione!You won't even ride my broomstick!  
Hermione:But it's so small!I can never tell if I'm on or not.I'm scared I'll fall!  
Ron:Shhhh!I can never get it up!Watch!up...up...up...up!It won't stay up!  
Mione:Here, does this help?Shows him her quaffles  
Ron:it's up!  
Crowd:Weasley is our king!He can get off on anything!

Ginny:You know Neville,this reminds me of when Riddle captured me and showed me his snake.It was soooooo big!  
Neville:I know!  
Ginny:...but i thought I was his first?  
Neville:Apparently not!heheheh!

Mcgonnagal:Presenting,for no reson,Viktor Krum!

"I'm too sexy for my hat" comes on and Krum appears wearing drag and a pink g-string then realises he's at hogwarts

Krum:Oups! Wrong place!Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain!

Rustling sound in woods  
Viktor emerges dressed in uniform

Krum:There we go!Now,Turbohiney,come we play Quidditchwiggles eyebrowsTurbohiney?

In distance

Hermione:Weasley is my king!He always gets that broomstick in!WEASLEY IS MY KING!  
Krum:So...uh...hi Ginny!  
Neville:As if!Get your own!

Suddenly Fleur Delacour walks in and tries to seduce Draco

Lucious:Draco!You know not to meddle with such filth!

Fleur starts singing to the tune of "Stacey's mom"

Fleur:Draco's dad is sexy when he's mad!  
Lucious:Turns and growls  
Both disapear mysteriously

Lupin walks over to Angelina Johnson and whispers in her ear

Lupin:Mmmmm...Chocolate!How would you like to make me feel better?  
Angelina:But ,you're a werewolf!  
Lupin:SingingYou and me ,baby,ain't nothin but mammals!So let's do it like they do on the discovery channel!  
Angelina:You got a point there!Come on wolfboy!

Madame Maxime:Theess game ees making me 'ungree!  
Hagrid:SingingYou like my sausages  
They disappear into forest  
Hagrid:While you're eating my sausages,I can explore your forbidden forest!

Dumbledore walks in  
Dumbledore:I think I saw a porno like this once!  
Someone from crowd:Ya! Turbohiney 3!  
Boy who spoke gets smacked by gf  
Ron:What!  
Mione:BlushesOh well there was this one time when me and Viktor made these 3 porno movies...Mmmmmm broomstick!  
Dumbledore:Ya!Hard-core slavic shit!Heheh!

Snape walks in swishing his wand  
Creevey bros get excited and Collin starts flashing his camera

Collin:If I develop these right, I can get 'em to move!  
snape:Checks him outStarts singingI'm too sexy for my potions!Too sexy for my dungeon!

Minerva:place your hand on my right butt cheek!  
Dumbledore:where?  
minerva:Just do it damnit!Imperio!

In distance  
Snape:singingI can do my lil turn on the Quidditch pitch!Cus many things happen on the Quidditch pitch!

Voldemort:Evil laughI shall seduce you all under the Imperious curse!  
trelawney:You don't need that curse on me, my Lord!GrowlsAnd I heard you had a pretty big snake!  
Voldemort:Ginny!who'd you tell?  
Ginny:I didn't tell ,Babe!  
Neville:WinksI love yo ass in those jeans,dahlin!  
Voldemort:In gay voiceReally?You don't think they make me look fat?  
Trelawney:Nope!it's totally tappable!we should have a go in that broom shed once that slut Cho gets out!  
Cho:Kiss my big white hairy dick!Oh...I mean ass!  
Harry:Oh, so that's what keeps on poking me!

Snuffles walks onto Quidditch pitch  
Fang shows up  
Fang starts licking snuffles

Snuffles:Dude!I don't swing that way!Lupin!  
Lupin:Shut up!I'm eating chocolate!  
Narrator-that-suddenly-appears-at-the-end-of-this-porno-ish-story:And thus ends the world's best Quidditch match at the magical place that is Hogwarts!  
Lupin:Aroooooo!

DISCLAIMER:this story does not contain sexual content except for the fact that it totally does!

selena:sam,dont you think we should've put that at the beginning of the story?  
sam:shut up!its 2 in the morning ok?...ya...maybe you're right...  



End file.
